Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Trip Mckenzie and the creeping green death

Is this a new start or an end. Have I opened myself up to greater experience and greater freedom from my own demons. Or have I just handed them the keys to the kingdom. It is hard to tell right now, senses clouded, coordination shot and inhibitions inhibited; hard to tell what is right, what is wrong, what is truth and what is idiocy.

I hope that this is an experience to lead to better things. See one extreme, enable the other. With clouds and fog later come clarity and focus. That is my hope anyway.

And apart from diametric reactions what can I learn directly. Are there traits of my character that are revealed that I should either take new pride in or show new respect for. Wary or revel. In part this mindset fits with recently unveiled beliefs in the sanctity of the individual. Find your core and then never allow doubt to creep into it. Self-conciousness is the enemy of this for it is anything but conciousness of self but false concern for how others perceive yourself. Throw a cloud over the periphery of conciousness, however, remove the full perspective and it is easy to loose this false concern, to become concerned only with the core self. And this is how it should be, but not how it should be. The only concern should be the core self, development of that , understanding of that, rejection and acceptance according to that. But this is only of true value if it also involves awareness of all else, awareness and consideration of challenges and questions. To simply ignore other concern, to empower self-concern merely by default of a reduction in capacity - is to invite naievety, stubborness and true vicious arrogance. Virtuous arrogance is none of these. It is awareness and consideration marked by self-belief and confidence. To achieve any of this through loss of control is not the path. But I think perhaps that it can help me find the path.

We shall see. Because frankly I have been way off that path for the most recent times, just as I have discovered the clearest view of it that I have yet to have. And now... now I think it is time to get on that path and walk along it once again. Proceed to the next junction and see where I can lead myself.


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