Tuesday, January 02, 2007

My waking day is filled with concrete experiences. One and a half meals, walk a hundred streets, one street walked a hundred times. Sit at a table in one or three cafes, book, computer, writing pad. A girl in drugstore, a friend in a bar. Work done no my thesis, pleasantries exchanged with strangers. Impassioned conversation over such weighty issues as science vs. mysticism, repetitive structures through history, cultures and intellectual traditions, internal against external, the means to truth and happiness.

God knows how many cups of coffee I drink in a day.

It is the conversation that marks today as one of awful realisation. Highlights the dream vs. the day. The simple fact that the awful, pointless and terrible dream wins every day.

This conversation of ideas, concepts, meaning and morality. To others, this is what I do, some kind of junior professional philosopher bringing to the table his skills. In conjunction with the expertise and passions of others, the attempted exploration of our lives.

Learn to think, find a worthy project, topic or question which grabs you. Learn to think and press the button 'apply to the world'. Philosophy as career has a point, a purpose; it is not without reference. I try to convince others of this and I try to convince myself.

Justify the path or more truthfully, distract myself with meaning where I grasp there to be none.

A day of experience, moments of application and now I am laughing. I don't buy a word of it. I buy the dream. And there, there is nothing to buy.

The dream wins every time, push it back, close it off, imprison it on Alcatraz, run as far as I can conceive. Ignore it and shout in its godamned face. Nothing keeps it at bay for long, it simply denies what I method I most recently chose until I come to agree with it once again. Then we, I and the dream, deny everything.

The dream shifts and changes. It used to be the IReal and the matching concept of LEOTI. The theory of the detective story. Clues are never the answer, they just mark the path toward the answer. The answer must be discovered, not uncovered.

Clue after clue builds up, each identical to the last: something is up with what I perceive to be the world. This idea is formulaic for sure. I even made a t-shirt attesting to this idea as a teenager; but then this formulaic idea is not the answer to the mystery, just a clue.

So it starts.

Before long I am denying that anything is real but asserting something. When there so clearly is something and it is not real, then, what the hell is there? Enter the IReal and its Lucid Experience.

The ideas are laughable, make no sense, conform to no logic, soundness of thought. Not because of brilliance, but rather childish arrogance. Deny the Real to non-assert the IReal.

All I am doing is adding a nullifier to every term.

I am aware of this yet I become convinced that I am close and so I pull back. It is this or the world and this time I chose the world.

Half-heartedly I throw myself into being a person; for want of anything better I throw myself half-heartedly into finishing my journeyman years as a professional philosopher.

Today I am almost there and today is concrete but then it is there again. The dream. This time literally as well as figuratively. But as I said, it shifts and it changes.

New clues, new ideas and now they are so worthlessly insane as to be far beyond my waking mind's comprehension...

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